The last couple of days I’ve been really missing Tokyo. When I miss it, I get little flecks of Tokyo street scenes passing through my head. I miss its urbanism, its eclectic clutter, its overload of culture and surprise. Tokyo is a fertile imagination of neverending variegation and intrigue. Its interest is inexhaustible. I crave the luxury of time to get lost in its byways, to take the train to a station I’ve never been to and explore, to discover its perversely hidden treasures, to unfold its map of desires. I want to eat it, watch it, walk it, buy it and live it, and know  there will never be enough time to see it all.

1. Sprinkle liberally with Monocle’s first scent: Hinoki. It’s brisk and piny and steers clear of the more clicheed jungle notes.

2. Allow to dry.

Listen up: drinking beer from a bottle in a paper bag is cool. On the street, with a beanie, and some clandestine attitude. With the bag in place, people can’t see it’s alcohol, so it’s less offensive PLUS you get the added thrill of fooling people.

So given this coolness, it’s needless to say the world was calling out for the Ted696 project, an effortlessly logical blend of art competition and bogan street drinking. Competitors design an artsy bag in just the right size to caressingly sleeve a (new) 696mL size bottle of Tooheys Extra Dry.

Duh, even with the extra culture, blind Myrtle could tell you were an alco from half a mile.

I totally know some faffy pseudovegan yuppies who would totally modify their beauty routines to ensure that it was all “energy friendly.” Also would be great if the energy used to cart all that product all the way from Blaine, Minnesota, were generated by wind energy too. But they won’t be mentioning that.

OK, so another sublime photo from my phone… An Asian beauty/pamper parlour has opened in my hood in the last couple of days - offering many conventional treatments, but also an “ear spa”… I have frightening visions of what exactly this involves. Involving Romanesque jets of water and permanently flooded ear canals.